Sleep eludes me
by sass41319
Summary: "Sleep eludes me, the night wanes, the moon hides her silver, locked away in a cloudy strongbox. I write, because here among words, I can face the truth, face my self." by Romhain. The night forces Katherine Beckett to face the truth that she hides from during the day. Starts at 1 x 01 'Flowers For Your Grave'
1. Chapter 1

**Its 3 am in the morning and Katherine Beckett can't sleep. Set after 1 x 01 **

3:02am

Kate rolled over in bed and watched as the illuminated numbers ticked over from 3:01 to 3:02 am on her bedside alarm clock. She let out an exasperated sigh as she punched her pillow yet again, twisting and pulling at it to find a more comfortable position. Flipping over to her stomach she buried her head in the pillow, inhaling the floral scent of her detergent and resisting the childish urge to scream. She had to be up in three hours for work and she hadn't managed a wink of sleep so far. She was going to have to free line the caffeine tomorrow, scratch that make it today if she was going to ever make it through the day.

"Urghhh." Kate flung the offending pillow off the bed as she remembered that she was going to have to put up with _him_ again today. Maybe she could bribe Esposito to partner with him, do his paperwork for the next month, god she would even cover for him the next time he was late after flirting with the secretary down in Robbery on the second floor, anything to get out of having that man shadow her.

"Humppff" she muttered, throwing her quilt aside as she climbed out of bed. No way was Esposito going to help her out, he was having way too much fun watching her pain. Giving up on sleep she wandered out into the kitchen to make a hot chocolate, hoping that the warm drink would help her relax. Kate had moved into this apartment after Will had moved to Boston, unable to pay the rent on the much bigger two-bedroom condo they'd shared. But she loved this apartment, the almost industrial appearance fusing well with the second-hand furniture and artwork she had picked up at the local markets on her brief and too infrequent days off.

Turning on the kettle she paced around the small lounge room waiting for it to boil, too keyed up to sit at the island bench. Stopping in front of her bookcase she let her eyes wander over her collection of books. She had varied and eclectic tastes in books. Harry Potter novels sat next her Russian translation of "War and Peace" which abutted the latest James Patterson novel that she had picked up at the bookstore last week but hadn't yet found time to read. Well no time like the present she thought when it was 3am and she couldn't sleep. As her hand drifted up to remove the book, her eyes halted at the copy of "Storm Fall" that she had shoved into her shelves in anger just hours before, determined never to read a Richard Castle novel again.

_He was so annoying, so frustrating, so….so damn cocky with that little bit of scruff on his chin, knowing how sexy he looked with it. Sexy, urghhh no that's not want she meant. Juvenile, yeah that's a better word to describe him. Like a nine-year old on a sugar rush. But she bet most nine-year olds would know when they weren't wanted. Urrgghh she had to stop thinking about him. Not only was he in her precinct, instigating himself into her investigations but now he was in her head too. This had to stop. _

Kate let her hand drop away from the newest 'Storm" novel, refusing to even consider that she was tempted to read it. The kettle whistle blew providing a much needed distraction even if it was from her own thoughts. Reaching into the cabinet, Kate bypassed the can of hot chocolate for a chamomile teabag. She didn't need any sugar pumping through her blood at this hour, tea was a much safer option. Wrapping her hands around the hot mug she wandered back to her bedroom, avoiding glancing back at the bookcase.

She probably wouldn't have noticed it if she hadn't been so intent on ignoring the shelves and the book with the red dust cover that appeared to be jumping out at her. She bumped into it as she turned towards the bedroom, actually her toes caught the edge and she stopped to bend down and push it out of the way when she realised it was the cardboard box she had used to carry her collection of books into the precinct just a day before. The box still lay where she had dumped it when she got home tonight. Her usual excitement at closing a case dampened down by the biting frustration at being ordered to allow him to follow her around so that he could write a book based on her. She didn't want a book written about her. Especially by him. It didn't matter that his words had been the only thing that had pulled her back from the brink of destruction when her mom had died and her dad had disappeared into a whisky bottle to try and drown his sorrows. His words had resonated within and made her believe that heroes did exist and that good did triumph over evil. They had been her escape from a world that was crashing down around her. But she didn't want those words to now be written about her. She used his books to escape, not to see herself laid out in black and white for all the world to see.

_He sees me. For the first time in ten years someone sees me. Not Kate Beckett the homicide detective but Katie the scared lonely girl who lost her mom and dad in one night. Who fell apart and was never put back the same way. I don't want him to see me, I can't go back to being that damaged, fragile little girl. _

In frustration she set her mug down on the arm of the sofa and picked up the box of books. Balancing them on her knee she opened the hallway closet intending to stow them away out of sight. Lifting the box over her head, she felt it slip from her fingers and watched in slow motion as the books tumbled free, hitting the floor with a loud bang. Great, all she needed was the cranky neighbour above her to wake up and make a bad night even worse.

Shoving them quickly back into the box, a little rougher than she probably should be, her hand stopped as she came to the open title page of "Flowers for your Grave". She had put it amongst the books to take into the precinct but she had purposely taken it out and hidden it in the top drawer of her desk, not wanting the other detectives to see the inscription. "In a Hail of Bullets" had also found its way into the drawer for the same reason. It was bad enough Ryan had seen her name in the other books but she didn't want them knowing that she had stood in line to get his books signed. She would never hear the end of that.

"To Johanna, your smile makes this all worthwhile. I hope your daughter grows up to be half as beautiful and wise as you. Forever in your debt, Richard Castle" Kate read the words out loud like she had on so many occasions before. Unlike the other books, this one was her mother's. Kate didn't know what had prompted Castle to write that inscription and her mother had never told her. She had been about sixteen when her mother had tried to get her to go to his book signing with her. But Kate was working at a local garage, saving up money to buy her first bike and she didn't want to tag along after her mother to stand in line for an author she didn't even like. Kate would give anything to go back and spend those missed moments with her mom, take back each rebellious act, each argument and every missed opportunity to spend more time with her. Running her finger over his words Kate wished she could go back and stand in line with her mother and find out what she had done to make him write those words. Kate wondered what had changed to turn the man that wrote such interesting, clever and poignant words into the selfish, juvenile jackass she had met on that roof top two days ago.

Closing the book and placing it with the others, Kate stood up and walked over to the bookcase, setting the box down on the bottom shelf. She left them to be shelved tomorrow. Grabbing her lukewarm mug of chamomile tea she wandered back into her bedroom to try and get some rest before the sun came up.


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter takes place after 1 x 02 "Nanny McDead". Enjoy

Chapter 2

1:38am

Kate curled her long legs underneath her on the soft sofa as she gazed out into dark New York skyline her vision obscured by the rivers of water running down the pane, making the lights and buildings of her home town appear almost magical as they twinkled and distorted in the evening storm. The soft sounds of the rain hitting the windows soothing her ragged nerves.

Lifting her glass to her lips she swallowed, loving the way the bourbon burnt and warmed her throat on its way done, Yeah, it was definitely a bourbon night tonight. She had arrived home just ten minutes before after a long night that had started with a mad dash across town to rescue a small girl, her mother and a cheating husband from their mentally unstable nanny, followed by a few tense moments in the building's laundry room as she tried to talk down the same nanny from hurting herself whilst resisting the urge to do bodily harm to her writer tag along as he threatened to turn an already disastrous situation into a tragedy.

But it was the three hours of paperwork back at the precinct that had threatened to really break her tonight. Three hours of having Richard Castle sit beside her as she filled out page after page of reports. She didn't even know where he had found that old, tatty chair that he had placed next to her desk. Probably from some back storeroom that hadn't seen the light of day since Montgomery was a rookie. She wasn't about to tell him that there were more comfortable chairs in the main store on the first floor. It might be good for his ego for him to have to sit on that hard uncomfortable seat, not that she intended for Richard Castle to be following her for long. Another few days and he should have everything he needed to write this new character of his, well, all that she was willing to allow him to see and Richard Castle and his unwanted chair should be out of her life for good. God, she had even had to spend extra twenty minutes tonight on a report to her captain that explained how q mystery writer and civilian had managed to find himself inside a room with an armed murder suspect and only one armed police detective for protection. Kate had to resist the urge to state that he had been more at risk from the police detective than the suspect and wasn't that the point of that little scene with the legal department a few days ago. It didn't seem to matter that she had instructed him to remain outside, apparently the captain believed that it was her sole responsibility to protect him whilst he was shadowing the NYPD. Fine, next time she would handcuff him in the car again after she frisked him first. _Fool me once, shame on him; Fool me twice, shame on me. _Yep, no hidden keys next time. She might even gag him if he doesn't start shutting up.

Swirling the ice in her glass, Kate took another sip, allowing the burn of the alcohol to evaporate some of her frustrations. He talked and talked and talked all the time. He never shut up. If he wasn't interrupting her interviews and interrogations, he was spinning wild tales that had no base in reality and made good solid police work look tedious and unimportant. It was bad enough that the boys were beginning to accept him but really, she had thought better of Captain Montgomery. Not only did he saddle her with this immature, interfering playboy but today he actually appeared to be falling under his spell as well. Yeah, she was the only sane one of the bunch.

He was always jumping to conclusion and stringing along theories that had connection to the evidence. He acted like all cases where a story he was writing and that they would all have a twist or surprise ending when really most murders fell into three groups, murders of passion, revenge and profit. They had wasted valuable man hours the last few days, canvassing the whole apartment block just because of that story he had told. It doesn't matter that they would have had to canvas the neighbours anyway, it was the principle. She didn't like her police procedures being dictated by a writer who couldn't take anything seriously.

Kate glanced out the window, her glaze catching the sight of the playground structure across the street illuminated in the overhead security lights. Its structure empty and full of long dark shadows in the rainy night. She wondered if he had meant it today about taking his little girl to the park every day. She couldn't quite see the playboy writer climbing on playground equipment and running through the park just to keep his little girl happy.

_God I sound like a bitch. _Kate mentally shook herself, she knew she was being uncharacteristically harsh towards him but she just couldn't seem to let down her guard. There was some subconscious instinct telling her she needed to get rid of him, now, before it was too late. She didn't have a clue what too late meant but that didn't change the slightly queasy feeling she had when Richard Castle was present. It had started when they had been reading his fan mail in the Tisdale case and he had started talking. Initially she had laughed off his description of her, confident in her ability to hide behind her badge and professional persona but he had effortlessly stumbled onto her story like it was a party trick that he pulled out all the time to entertain his poker buddies. No-one had ever guessed her story unless she wanted them to know. Montgomery had her personnel file so he knew anyway but she had been the one to tell Royce, Will, Esposito and Ryan her abbreviated version. But Castle had flippantly guessed her story in just minutes. She knew it had rankled her and was the reason she needed to keep him at arm's length from now on. She didn't let people into that part of her life, she didn't even go there herself anymore after almost drowning in the case when she first got her badge. Kate was scared, very scared that she might end up telling him things she didn't disclose to anyone. Hadn't she already told him she was a 'one and done' type of girl just yesterday. She hadn't meant to, didn't want to fall into sharing personal information with Richard Castle. Who knew what would end up in his books for millions to read? But he had told her that story about Alexis and she had momentarily forgotten that they weren't just friends having a chat. He had an ability with words that apparently went beyond just his written words and she needed to remember that next time he tried to charm her into revealing more of herself.

Silently Kate begrudgingly admitted to herself that it wasn't that he couldn't be useful, hadn't he proved that with the phone call. She doubted that they would have found the missing cell phone if he hadn't called it at least not before Harris got rid of it. To give him credit he was useful on occasion, he forced her to think outside the box, not that she would ever disclose that to him. But he was so unpredictable, she didn't know what he was going to do or say next and that uncertainty was starting to give her an ulcer.

"Well, he's not going to be around much longer. He'll get bored and move onto his next adventure before you can say jackass" Kate mumbled to herself as she stood and stretched out her long legs, the weariness of the last few days sinking into her muscles. It was time to go to bed and stop spending any more time thinking about a certain mystery writer. She doubted that he spent much time thinking about her outside his writing about his imaginary police detective character.

Rinsing out her glass in the sink, Kate wandered through to her bedroom determined not to think about Richard Castle ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

Kate gets an unexpected visitor as she's preparing for bed. Set after 1 x 03 "Hedge Fund Homeboys"

Thank-you for the favs, follows and reviews for this story. I haven't quite decided if I will do a chapter for each episode. I'm just going to see where inspiration strikes at this point. enjoy

Chapter 3

10:15 pm

Kate moved silently around the room, stopping occasionally to light another candle whilst she waited for the bath tub to fill. Steam and vanilla scented vapours wafted up from the warm water as bubbles burst forth under the taps.

She stretched out tired muscles as she finished lighting the candles and placed her wine glass and her advance copy of "Storm Front" beside the tub. It had been another run of long days with minimal sleep as they had worked fast to catch the killer of two Reading Prep teenagers. She had been looking forward to this bath all day. Not even the promise of her soft bed was enough to stop her from indulging in this. She hadn't intended on reading Castle's book but when she had been perusing her bookcase earlier her hand had reached for his book and curiosity had got the better of her. So now after spending the last few weeks subjected to Castle's non-stop chatter she was going to surround herself with his words again. At least this time she could shut him up by simply closing the book she thought to herself. This Castle she could handle, no surprises between these pages at least not outside the usual plot twists.

Turning off the taps, Kate allowed her robe to fall to the ground as she stepped into the tub. The shrill ringing of her phone caused her to halt mid step and with a loud groan she got out to answer it.

"Seriously, can't I get one little break these days" she muttered as she grabbed her robe and picked up the phone she had tossed on top of her clothes hamper.

"Beckett" Kate stated curtly, unable to keep the frustration out of her tone.

"Don't you Beckett me girl" Lanie said "I'm the one sitting alone at a bar waiting for my best friend to turn up for our girls night out"

"Oh crap, was that tonight. I'm so sorry Lanie." Kate winced, knowing she was going to owe her friend big time after letting her down this bad.

"Uh huh. Tell me you're having a hot date with some new guy you just met and I'll forgive you"

Looking at Castle's photo on the dust cover, Kate was almost tempted to lie.

"What if I said yes?"

"I know when you're lying girl. Don't even try that one on me." Kate could hear the disbelief in Lanie's voice.

"OK you got me, I'm about to hop into a nice warm bubble bath with a glass of wine and try and forget the last few days"

"Nah ah, Beckett. Buzz me up now, that should give you enough time to get dressed. You owe me a drink"

"Lanie, maybe another time" Kate looked longingly at the warm bubbles filling her antique claw foot bathtub.

"No Lanie'ing me Beckett. You owe me for standing me up at that bar. Do you know how many young lawyers in suits I had to wade through to get out of there? I have a bottle of wine and all I need is a couple of glasses and my best friend."

"Alright, alright. One glass and only cause I do know what that bar is like" Kate hung up and pulled the plug on her plans for the night, literally as she watched the scented water spiral down the drain. Taking a moment to buzz Lanie into the building she quickly changed into sweats and a T-shirt knowing that Lanie wouldn't care what she wore.

Answering the door, she found a dressed up Lanie on the other side.

"Wow Lanie, no wonder you had trouble getting out of that bar" Kate whistled at Lanie's skin tight black dress that showed off her curves in all the right places. Guilt settled in as she realised she had ruined her friend's plans for the night.

"I'm really sorry Lanie. Maybe I can go and get changed and we can still hit a couple of bars." Kate offered

"Grab us a couple of glasses and let's pop this cork. We can go out another night, I'm fine with just having some girl talk tonight"

"Ok, as long as you're sure" Kate couldn't quite keep the relief from her voice as she wandered into the kitchen to find some clean wine glasses.

"Don't make me come over there and pour my own glass, Beckett" Lanie said as she kicked off her heels and relaxed onto Kate's soft grey sofa.

"So I hear you and wonder boy solved those Reading school murders."

"He's hardly a wonder but you got the boy part right. And yeah we did." Kate murmured as she handed a glass to Lanie before settling down next to her with her long legs tucked underneath her. Taking a sip, she savoured the tart flavor of the wine as she swallowed.

"Ok writer boy then. So how's it going with your new shadow? Javier and Kevin seem to like him well enough."

"Where to start, Lanie, where to start" Kate replied dramatically, taking another sip.

"Well start with the fact he is writing a character based on you. I mean it's not every day that someone finds you fascinating enough to base a whole character on you. I'd be flattered."

"Flattered isn't really the word I would go for." Kate mumbled earning a glare from Lanie. Ignoring the look, Kate persisted. "Annoyed, frustrated, exasperated they would be better adjectives than flattered."

"Seriously Kate. How bad can it be to have a handsome and charming man following your every move."

"Feel free to come and take him off my hands anytime." Kate stated taking a large gulp of her wine. "Speaking of hands, did you know that he needs to touch _everything_. It's like having a two year old to look after. Not to mention the way he talks incessantly about everything and he makes up these theories that make no sense. Ok, well maybe they make a little sense, but not always. He's always observing and watching my every move. And he interrupts my interviews all the time to ask his own questions and the times I have allowed him into the interrogation room he butts in and asks irrelevant questions. Ok, maybe not irrelevant but they usually send us down another tangent, and _even _though that tangent might help us solve the case it so damn _frustrating_." Kate ended her tirade by draining the remaining wine in her glass.

"So what you're saying is that writer boy is sometimes insightful, observant and helpful in solving your cases all the while being charming and handsome. Hmmm what I wouldn't give for your problems." Lanie murmured, not bothering to hide the sarcastic tone in her voice.

"Nooo, that's not what I meant." Kate protested

"Seems to me that maybe the problem is with you and not Castle, Kate."

"Huh, not you too. It's bad enough that Captain Montgomery likes him but even the boys are warming to him. Did you know Ryan's taken to carrying around a copy of his book like a fanboy." Kate grumbled. "

"Scared that your fangirl status is going to be revoked"

"What? No! I'm not a fangirl" Kate denies vehemently, shaking her head.

"So that whole shelf of Richard Castle books over there is just a figment of my imagination." Lanie grinned at the blush that crept across Kate's face as she swung her arm dramatically towards the bookcase.

"Urghhh" Kate decided not to answer that question and got up to fill their wine glasses. More wine was definitely needed for this conversation.

"Ok, I can see you're not ready to discuss this yet. But we will come back to it and one day you will tell me just how much of a fan of his you really are." Lanie said, happy to change her questioning, for now.

"Never gonna happen, Lanie" Kate yelled over her shoulder as she headed into the kitchen.

"So tell me one good thing about having Richard Castle, the mystery writer shadowing you. And don't try and lie and tell me it's all bad." Lanie accepted the refilled wine glass from Kate as she sat back down, her questioning earning her a glare from the detective.

"You should have been a detective, you're wasting your skills on dead people" Kate muttered

"Ahh girl, don't you know the dead talk to me too." Lanie laughed, managing to get a snort from Kate in return.

"Ok so maybe he does have one redeeming feature. And Lanie, I swear I will kill you if you tell him this. He's actually pretty good at picking up the nuances of a conversation or situation. Yesterday he noticed that a Chinese screen in our victim's home didn't quite fit the size of the room and he guessed that they had moved recently. You wouldn't think it was important but it really helped to build the motive for this murder. And you should have seen him coax a confession out of this teenage sociopath we interviewed today. He played him like a fiddle." Kate acknowledged with only a little hint of reluctance.

"Sounds like he may be an asset after all"

"Well he's an ass all right but just more of a jackass most of the time. He jokes about everything and its maddening" Kate stated.

"Sounds like he knows which of your buttons to push" Lanie whispered around her wine glass "which I'm so looking forward to watching"

"Huh, what?"

"Nothing, honey. Just thinking that maybe he'll grow on you."

"He won't be around long enough to grow on me. Just long enough to get some background information for his new character then it's adios writer boy" Kate stated, punctuating her statement with another sip of wine.

"Ah huh" Lanie said not convinced at all that Richard Castle would be disappearing from Kate's life anytime soon.

"Enough about my annoying shadow. How's your love life going, still seeing that accountant what 'is name, Doug, right?"

"Don, and no we broke up. He wanted me to meet his parents, on our _third _date. Talk about needy" Lanie replied

Kate listened as her commitment-phobic friend regaled her with all of Don's acts of neediness, just glad to have escaped any more questioning about Castle. At least she had the next few days without him to give her some breathing room. He had stopped by before he left tonight to inform her that he was chaperoning Alexis' school trip to Washington D.C. for the next few days. She had a moments concern that they were allowing him to chaperone a bunch of 15 year olds when he was such a child himself but then she remembered the quiet, smart and witty 15 year-old that he had managed to raise and realised that maybe he did have some redeeming qualities after all. Not that she would ever tell him.

After finishing a second bottle of wine, Kate managed to finally get Lanie into a cab home before she cleared up their glasses and headed back to the bathroom. Looking regretfully at the book still sitting beside the tub she decided on a quick shower before going to bed. Maybe tomorrow night she would finally get that bath and a chance to read more about the newest adventures of Derrick Storm.


	4. Chapter 4

Set during episode 1 x 04 "Hell Hath No Fury", just prior to picking up Laurie Horn in the last interrogation scene.

Chapter 4

1:41am

It was the soft strangled snore being emitted every few breathes from the chair next to her that was causing her to bite down on her lip as she resisted the urge to scream. _Seriously, as if this day hasn't dragged by, now I have to put up with him sleeping whilst I do all the paperwork. _

"Urghhh" Kate muttered. _Why can't he just go home? His home can't be so bad that he would rather sit here whilst I do paperwork. It's not like he's gonna write a chapter about paperwork in his next book. That'll have the fans excited. _She thought snidely.

"Castle" Kate whispered "Castle!"

Kate looked around the now dark bullpen to check if anyone was about, but they were the only ones here at this hour. The nightshift was out chasing up leads and the dayshift had packed up and gone home hours ago. Something she would have done if Castle hadn't had a sudden revelation about who'd provided the blackmail money in their latest homicide. Given they were investigating the murder of Jeffery Horn, a local council candidate there was no way that she was leaving until all the reports were done and all the warrant applications safely filed ready to be activated first thing in the morning. Captain Montgomery had been riding her butt all day and it hadn't helped that everywhere she turned she was reminded that Castle was buddies with not only her boss but her boss's boss and even the freaking major.

"Castle!" She yelled at the man now sleeping sitting upright in the old vinyl chair he had claimed as his own weeks ago, his neck kinked at an angle that she knew he was going to regret when he woke up in the morning. Every now and then a soft snore would escape his open lips. _At least he isn't drooling. Though that would be a picture I'd love to have. She could see the headlines now "Playboy mystery writer caught drooling". _Kate snickered.

She reached over and shoved his arm off the edge of her desk as she shouted his name again. Kate watched as he jolted awake, jumping to his feet in a defensive pose, a look of confusion replacing the slack features of sleep.

"Wha-what?" he yelped looking around for his attacker.

"Relax, he-man. It's just me" Kate bit back a laugh at the ninja-attack stance he had adopted.

"Huh, Oh hey Beckett." He said as he slid sheepishly back into the vinyl chair. "We almost done?"

"You Castle, have been done for hours. Go home, I just have to finish these warrants and then I'm heading out soon too."

"No I'll stay, you may need my help"

"Oh really because sitting there snoring is so much more help than just staring and way less creepier" She said sarcastically, chewing on the end of her pen as she watched him out of the corner of her eye as she focused on her reports.

"I don't snore" He whined

"And that's what you take away from that sentence. Figures" Kate snorted

"Go home Castle, I mean it. I'll call you first thing in the morning when the warrants are processed and we're ready to make a move. You won't miss out on anything, I promise." Kate looked up from her papers to catch the brief look of hurt on his face before he masked it which his usual smirk. Ok, so maybe she could have been nicer about it but she was tired and she just wanted to finish this damn paperwork and go home.

"Ok, Beckett. I'll go" she watched as he straighten up from his chair and started to walk away.

_Wow, that had been a little too easy. Maybe I was too harsh. Urghh blame it on a serious lack of sleep lately. _

"Hey Castle" she yelled at his retreating back.

"Yeah" She watched as he spun on his heel but didn't walk back towards her.

"That hunch, it was a good one" Kate reluctantly acknowledged Castle's theory that had broken their case wide open just hours ago.

"See you tomorrow Beckett" Castle replied as a smile spread across his face, he whipped around and walked to the elevators with a skip in his step that had been missing before.

Kate watched as he entered the elevator. As soon as the doors had closed and her shadow was no longer in sight, she grabbed the empty coffee cup on her desk and headed towards the break room. Finally she could use the expresso machine without losing face about the whole coffee thing. Not that she didn't appreciate a brand new Italian expresso machine but she didn't want Castle to get too comfortable around here. Next he'll be replacing all the chairs with leather recliners. She didn't need him to be any more at home here than he already was, because then he might never leave and Katherine Beckett needed Richard Castle, playboy mystery writer out of her precinct soon.

Kate inhaled as the coffee started to drip into her cup, the strong smell of freshly ground French roast filling the break room. Grabbing the milk from the fridge she added it to the stainless steel jug provided and started to steam it. She had never made frothed milk before but she had seen Ryan doing it earlier and it didn't look so difficult. If Ryan could do it then so could she. Turning up the steam nozzle she jumped back as the hot milk splashed over the sides, leaving little stings as it hit the soft skin of her hand.

"Oww, ouch" Kate cried out as she jumped back, clutching her burnt wrist to her chest. Dumping the jug on the bench she turned off the offending nozzle and thrust her stinging hand under the cold water tap.

"God even his expresso machine is annoying." Kate muttered. _Ok, so maybe it's not Castle's fault but seriously is it so damn hard to get a proper coffee around here. _Kate glared at the offensive machine as she turned off the tap and sucked on her sore wrist.

"Black coffee is fine too." Kate thought as she grabbed the milk jug and washed it out, hiding the evidence of her late night failure. Adding sugar to her cup she headed back out to her desk and the final reports that needed signing off before she could call it a night.

Ignoring the stinging pain in her wrist, Kate picked up her pen and finished filling in the search warrant for Jeffery and Laurie Horn's brownstone. At a more reasonable hour, Kate would be knocking on a Judge Markaway's door to get it signed and then they could converge on the brownstone and get the incriminating evidence to prove that Laurie Horn helped murder her own husband after his philandering ways threatened her political ambitions for her family. Maybe Castle was right and marriage just didn't suit some people. He should know after being married twice already. _I wonder what happened to end his marriages and why after one failed one he would jump into another. You think he would have learned his lesson. _

"And that Katherine Beckett, is your cue to finish this paperwork and go home to bed" She was bone tired that's all, otherwise why in the world would she be interested in Castle's love life. Kate shoved any thoughts of Castle from her head as she completed the last of her reports and faxed off her warrant request to Judge Markaway's chambers ready for his signature. Picking up her jacket and winding her scarf around her neck, she turned off her computer and the small desk lamp, shrouding herself in darkness with only the hall lamps providing lighting. As she walked by she bend down to straighten Castle's chair, just to keep things neat of course is what she told herself as she headed to the elevators and home


	5. Chapter 5

This chapter follows the end scene of 1 x 05 "A chill goes through her veins". I'm not totally happy with this one but I can't seem to wrap my head around how to fix it so I have decided to post it and move on to another. I hope you enjoy it though.

2:17am

She lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling desperately trying to stem the flow of thoughts that were pounding through her head. It had been hours since she'd ended the phone conversation with her dad but she was still too restless to fall asleep. Kate could hear the faint sounds of the early morning New York seep through her closed window, the blast from an occasional car horn competed with the sirens of an ambulance as it sped by. Sounds were a constant companion in a city that never slept and Kate was as familiar with the night sounds of New York City as a country dweller might be with the noises of crickets and owls.

This case had touched too close to home. It had been years since a case she was working on had dredged up the long buried sense of injustice and horror of her mother's. Looking up at the ceiling of her dark bedroom she watched as the shadows and lights spilled in from the open curtains to dance above her. Kate thought how much life was like those shadows, twirling and twisting around the lights, contorting so that nothing was as it should be, nothing was right. She'd called her dad tonight, for the first time in weeks. They had worked hard to get where they were now but like the shadows their relationship was twisted and bend out of shape and she didn't know if they would ever get back what had been lost.

She can never be quite sure when he started drinking, as he hid it so well in those first few years after her mother's death. She knows he was sober the day of the funeral, she'd walked hand-in-hand with him along the beach at Coney Island and he hadn't slurred his words or been unsteady on his feet to suggest he'd been drinking. She remembers collapsing on that wind bitten beach, the sand cold and damp under her knees as the finality of her mother's death had broadsided her. Sobs had been wrenched from her throat as her chest tightened and squeezed around her heart. She had felt him drop down to the sand beside her as he wrapped her in his strong embrace. He'd gathered her into his lap as if she was still a small child and his arms had been enough to hold the bad things at bay. He held her in silence until her sobs quietened, the spicy cologne her mom had loved wrapping around her like a warm presence. No, that wasn't the day he started drinking. She's never asked what made him take that first sip and probably never will because although they have worked hard to repair their relationship they never talk about those first few dark bleak years when he was lost in a haze of alcohol and she was just lost. These days they talk about his cases and her cases. She knows he still goes to his AA meetings but he never talks about what he says there and she's not sure she wants to know.

She told Castle today that she wore her Dad's watch to remind her of the life she saved. She didn't mention that it actually represents two lives saved, hers and his. God, she doesn't even know why she told him about her mom's murder, it just came out. She's still too raw tonight to admit to herself how good it felt to tell him about it. Doesn't want to admit that he is slowly getting under her skin and getting her to open up and reveal parts of herself she has kept hidden for years. She can't face that level of introspection tonight, not after the case they have just put to bed. Melanie Cavanagh's case had paralleled her mom's too closely and had left her feeling raw and wounded as a result. A sloppy police investigation, hasty conclusions drawn too soon and people not willing to stand up and speak for the dead. All elements that echoed through her mother's case. She had promised her dad tonight that she wasn't going to re-open her mom's case. She's not sure how he knew but it must have been something in her tone that had hinted to how close to the edge she was tonight. She didn't usually call to update him on a case so late at night but she had needed to reach out to the one person who understood the injustice and grief she was feeling.

As she rolls over in bed, tucking her quilt around her to form a cocoon, she remembers another late night phone call that had almost destroyed what little sanity she had left after her mother's death. She'd been working the night they called to let her know. She had on 8-inch heels and a miniskirt that didn't cover anything as she worked the street corner they had picked for her. Her first real undercover stint in Vice as a newly striped detective and she was playing a clichéd street hooker. She didn't have her phone on her, hadn't been able to find enough clothing to conceal it under, so they hadn't been able to reach her for hours not until the early hours of the night when all the johns had been formally booked and she was able to go to the locker room to change. She'd found the missed calls on her phone, all nine of them.

Rushing to get changed she didn't bother to scrape off the layers of caked on makeup and mascara that she was wearing, as the last message from her Aunt Theresa had caused all thoughts but one fly out of her head. _Don't die, Don't die. _She doesn't remember how she got there that night, thinks maybe one of the other cops had driven her. She remembers racing into the hospital foyer, flashing her badge, flagrantly abusing her position to get to him faster. It felt like time was rushing forward so fast everything was a blur then as she ended his hospital room it all came to a sudden grinding halt including the breath that had wedged itself in her throat and refused to release.

He looked so small lying in the bed, his head bandaged with his right arm in a cast. She could see the bruises and scrapes marring his face and chest where it was exposed over the blankets. Her Aunt Theresa sat at his side, her head bowed as she pressed her lips to his still hand as it lay cupped in hers.

"He's alive" She whispered as she watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. She'd been avoiding him for weeks, months really unable to deal with his decline into alcoholism. She had missed the early signs of his fall, too consumed with the loss of her mother to realise she was losing him too. That first anniversary of her death, she had asked if he wanted to visit the grave and he'd said he was too busy with a big case and she had believed him, thinking that maybe work would be enough to pull him through that first year. It wasn't til the second year when she'd dropped by at his work because he had been avoiding her calls, to be told he'd taken the whole month off that she realised that maybe he wasn't coping at all. She had found him on the sofa, in the apartment, passed out with an empty bottle of scotch at his feet and another empty of most of its contents in his arms. She had slowly unclasped his hands from the neck of the bottle and covered him with a blanket. Silently she had tipped the remnants of the bottle down the kitchen drain before she had climbed the stairs to her old bedroom. That was the first night she had cried herself to sleep because of her father and not her mother. By the third anniversary, she knew and his friends knew that Jim Beckett was an alcoholic. He'd given up the pretence of going to work most days and Kate's cell number was sitting behind the bar at most of the places he liked to drink at. He promised her that he would give up, that he would never touch another drop but it only lasted as long as it took him to find another bottle. The last few years had blended into a string of late night phone calls from bartenders, of finding him passed out on the couch or the floor, of cleaning him up after he had vomited on himself until a few months ago she had finally gotten desperate and threatened him with losing her. She'd threatened, he'd cried and then she'd walked out hoping that it was enough to shock him into getting help. When she got the phone call two nights later from Dick, a bartender at yet another bar she had realised that she wasn't going to be enough to stop him, so she had quietly hung the phone up and left her father passed out at a bar, making the decision to walk away from him. That was the last contact she had had with him until tonight.

"Yes, Katie. He's alive" Theresa whispered as she took in the pale face of her young niece.

"What happened?" Kate stood in the doorway, she couldn't bring herself to walk closer to his bed.

"I'm not sure. He was found lying on the side of the road, unconscious. The police think he may have been attacked or he could have been hit by a car. He has a fractured skull, multiple ribs and his right arm is also broken. He hasn't woken up yet, but the doctors say he should wake up soon once the alcohol wears off."

"He was drunk?" Of course, he was, she thought. Unable to keep the accusatory tone from her voice.

"Katie, dear. It's not his fault" Her aunt glanced back at her, the same blue eyes as her father staring back at her.

"Yes it is." Kate replied. "It's been his choice all along. He chose this over me, over you, over his life"

"You don't understand what it is like for him. He loved Johanna so much" Theresa whispered as she squeezed his hand.

"I loved her too. But I have to get up each day, I have to go to work each day, I have to live without her each day too. And now I have to live without him as well."

Kate moved slowly into the room, perching on the arm of a chair in the corner, still uncertain about approaching him.

"I know you did Katie. But she was his wife, until you have experienced that type of love, you will never know the pain of losing it."

"He has me. I am still here and I still need my dad."

"He knows that. No matter how he acts or the hurtful things he has done, he is still your father and he still loves you."

Kate looked over at the thin man in the hospital bed, his familiar blue eyes closed, his face marred by bruises and lacerations, a large bandage covering his head. He didn't look like her father and he no longer acted like her father.

"So what do we do?" she sighed as she stood up to move her chair closer to the bed.

"Your mother used to say that we are never given more than we can bear, or something like that. So, we help him bear this. We be his strength until he has enough of his own." Theresa reached across the bed to clasp her niece's hand in her free one. "And I'll be your strength"

Kate stayed by his bedside until he woke in the early morning, long after her aunt had gone home to bed. As he clung to her hand and wept, she quietly outlined the steps they would take together to save not just themselves but their relationship as well.

It had been hard work, with many misadventures, detours and backtracking but they had made it to where they were today. On the day he had been sober for three months he gave her his father's watch that he had worn every day since he was sixteen. He told her that he knew she wore her mother's engagement ring around her neck, having seen her place it there when she stayed over at his place. He told her that his watch was to remind her of how grateful he was that she was his daughter and that she hung around long enough to save him.

When Castle had noticed the watch yesterday she had initially chosen to ignore his question about its origins, hoping that he would forget. She hadn't imagined that she would be the one to bring it up. It had come spilling out before she'd had time to process what she was telling him. She had told him the heartbreaking truth of her mother's death and he'd just sat there and listened. He sat so still, not moving as she blurted it out to him. She thinks that maybe if he'd interrupted her she'd have realised what she was doing and could have stopped. But he'd acted totally un-Castle like and so she had told him everything.

She wasn't sure when the dynamics had shifted, or how far they had shifted until she had blurted out her story to him. The last few days had changed something between them but she wasn't up to analysing that tonight. Sighing into her pillow, she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to clear her mind. An image of the scene at Castle's loft flitted across her mind. She had gone there because she couldn't find Melanie's story and it had been gnawing away at her. Unable to face the murder board any more she had pulled his address from the DMV database before she could second guess herself. She doesn't know why she didn't just call him, instead she found herself knocking on his door. Kate giggled as she remembered the dumbfounded look on his face at her unexpected appearance in his domain, the way the lights from his laser tag vest had blinded her and how Martha's "Are we entertaining?" line had almost made her burst into laughter, but she'd held her tongue not wanting to tell them exactly how entertaining they truly were. Smiling into her pillow, Kate could feel her muscles relaxing as she allowed herself to remember the fun that they had also had the last few days. For a case that had stripped her raw, there had also been some enjoyable moments, the theorising with Castle being one of them. Not that I'd ever tell him, she thought as she slowly fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Set after 1 x 06 "Always buy retail".

12:14am

Kate strode down the dim corridor, the overhead lights providing little illumination and only serving to increase the depths of the shadows creeping around her. She should be heading back to her apartment at this time of night, maybe grabbing a quick bite to eat before climbing under her soft quilt and allowing the restful oblivion of sleep to steal away the conflicting thoughts tumbling through her mind. Instead she was walking down this lonely dark corridor at midnight with a nervous energy burning through her that was preventing any chance of sleep. The events of the day too fresh in her mind to allow her to fall into a dreamless sleep.

Kate reached her destination and pulled out the key ring from her pocket. Bending down she fumbled quickly through the keys til she found the one she was looking for and slid it home with practiced fingers. Feeling the click of the lock and the padlock come apart in her hands, she removed the lock and effortlessly eased up the roller door to reveal the darkened space beyond.

She ran her fingers over the concrete wall, ignoring the rough material under her fingertips until she felt the cool plastic of the light switch. Flipping the switch, Kate blinked and squeezed her eyes closed at the sudden bright light that spilled out from the overhead bulb. Opening her eyes, she slowly allowed her vision to adjust as she stepped into the storage space. With years of familiarity she was able to locate the object of her late night mission with no difficulty. It had been many months since she had had a chance to take her Harley Soft tail out but no amount of absence would ever prevent the sudden surge of longing as her eyes roamed over the parts of the bike poking out from under the dust cover.

Kate stepped forward and whipped the dust cover off to reveal the soft leather seat sitting atop the sleek black and chrome frame. Kate grabbed a cloth and wiped down the layer of dust that had settled on the bike since the last time she had taken it out. Forced to store it at her dad's storage space since she moved from the apartment she shared with Will, Kate admitted reluctantly that it had been too long since she had gone for a ride.

Digging through the cardboard boxes stacked behind the bike, she quickly located the one labelled "Kate's room". Tearing the duct tape from the box, she pulled the lid back to reveal her old leather jacket folded neatly on top. Kate slipped her arms in the sleeves as a small smile lit up her face at the feel of the soft black leather moulding to her skin, like the arms of an old lover. Kate tugged up the zipper as she pulled the black helmet from the box. She had headed to the storage unit straight from the precinct, not wanting to waste the time needed to go back to her apartment for her current jacket and helmet. These would do for the short ride she needed tonight. Kate had to be back at the precinct by 7am but hadn't been able to resist the pull of a late night ride to ease the tensions of the day. She had brushed Castle off when he had suggested that his actions with the champagne bottle today had saved their lives but sitting at her desk as she reconstructed the leads and events that had led to Baylor's shooting her hand had begun to tremble as she realised how close they had both come to not walking out of there alive. Unable to shut out the disturbing images of their close call she had headed to the storage unit, hoping that a late night ride might loosen the threads of terror from around her heart.

Kate released the kick stand and pushed the bike out of the unit, glad that she had kept a pair of jeans and boots in her locker at work. Kate flipped off the light and pulled down the roller door, slipping the padlock into place with a snap. Walking down the corridor she headed for the elevators that would take her out to street level. Feeling some of the restless tension leave her muscles just at the anticipation of a ride in the cool NY night, Kate realised this was exactly what she needed. Sleep would come later she knew if she allowed some energy to be burnt off first.

As the elevator came to a stop she pushed the bike out onto the street before settling onto the soft leather seat and tucking her short auburn hair under the brim of the helmet. Kate pulled it fully into place as she flipped up the visor. Slipping the key in she released the clutch and slammed her foot down to kick start the bike, feeling it jump to life underneath her, a grin spilt across her face. Yep, this is it, this is what she had been needing since yesterday, right about the time Castle had blurted out details of his personal conquests over their victims body. _Seriously did he really think that I want to hear about the women he sleeps with. Over share much. And who calls the woman they sleep with a 'deep fried twinkie'. It's insulting and well, just wrong. _Kate grimaced as she remembered his comment that the sex with crazy people was awesome. Really who came up with those lines other than egotistical, immature jackasses like Castle she thought. Leaning forward she released the brake and felt the bike spring forward as she turned into the traffic. _Give me this any day over mystery writers, she thought. _

Travelling down 8Th Street she allowed the wind to whip into her face, chilling her skin and making her eyes water before she flipped down her visor, the sensation making her feel alive. She had really thought he would be long gone by now having grown bored of the real job of being a police officer, lured back to his world of book launch parties, big breasted bimbos and crazy exs. A world far far away from hers, she thought. But instead he's buying Kevlar vests and playing at being a cop. She could have strangled him and dumped his body in the Hudson after he took that call during their tac strike. _I'm sure the boys would have helped cover any crime up. _Kate grimaced behind the visor of her helmet as she remembered the disbelief on her team's faces as 'Dad, Dad, Dad" had sung out over the quiet warehouse floor ruining any chance at stealth.

Pulling up to a red traffic light, Kate shrugged her shoulders as she silently admitted to herself that maybe he was being a tad too harsh with him as he had proven to be somewhat useful tonight. When Baylor had burst through that door, he had reacted fast, really fast and shoved them out of harm's way. And maybe, she admitted reluctantly his idea about using the pop of the champagne cork to distract their would-be killer had been insightful and expedient given she was down to her last bullet. But there was no way that she would be allowing him to count that as a save. _Ohmygod, who even keeps track of that stuff anyway. _No one does but Castle obviously. As the traffic light turned to green and she eased her hand off the brake to allow the bike to sped ahead into the cold night she did concede to herself that maybe next time she would let him wear his writer's vest, just in case. _Imagine all the extra paperwork he would leave me with if he got shot on my watch._ She figured it was for that reason only that she would allow him to wear it, not that she intended to allow him to ever be in need of a Kevlar vest in the future.

Weaving through the New York traffic, Kate felt the tension ooze from her pores as she left her worries behind her with each mile the bike travelled through the city. _Yep, best idea ever. _


End file.
